To go from here
I don't know where my blog is heading from here. I'm thinking about getting my own site so I can categorize all the topics I post on. I know for one thing, I'd like it if more people commented :D I know you're all out there. We've already had over 1,000 different people visit this site. Anyways, I haven't written poetry in awhile so I thought I'd give it a shot. Please let me know what you think:
The Unseen
My deepest darkest fears
The cold nights that bring tears
The dark is creeping in
The could of my dark sin
The deadly silence all around
Is the only deafening sound
The Silence begins to end
Wrath around the bend
This journey will never end
Round and round again
The merry-go-round spins and spins
My world turns upside down
And slowly, I see the fragilness of it all
The door is closed once more
An angry father paces the floor
He strikes and strikes again
With the words he's only known
And the cirlce goes on
From the father to the son
The unseen blows are throw again
The unseen scars are within
And the unseen maker of us all
Crys tears of pain
Of hurtful words and twisted love
The brokeness of it all
Is more than he can bear
Won't you put away
The twisted words you say
Remove the mask you keep
And find fullfiling dreams
Through all of the unseen
Won't you take the chance to dream
Escape the stoneset path
Avoid a demons wrath
Reach into the night
And take back the sunbeam for the unseen
This one is for the unseen
The unseen silence of it all,
The unseen twisted knives you threw,
The unseen dreams never claimed
The unseen child abused again
The unseen hate you used to breathe
The unseen man, you need to be
The unseen maker of us all
I'd like to put that to music. With just a piano and duet 1 guy, 1 girl. What do you all think?
The Unseen
My deepest darkest fears
The cold nights that bring tears
The dark is creeping in
The could of my dark sin
The deadly silence all around
Is the only deafening sound
The Silence begins to end
Wrath around the bend
This journey will never end
Round and round again
The merry-go-round spins and spins
My world turns upside down
And slowly, I see the fragilness of it all
The door is closed once more
An angry father paces the floor
He strikes and strikes again
With the words he's only known
And the cirlce goes on
From the father to the son
The unseen blows are throw again
The unseen scars are within
And the unseen maker of us all
Crys tears of pain
Of hurtful words and twisted love
The brokeness of it all
Is more than he can bear
Won't you put away
The twisted words you say
Remove the mask you keep
And find fullfiling dreams
Through all of the unseen
Won't you take the chance to dream
Escape the stoneset path
Avoid a demons wrath
Reach into the night
And take back the sunbeam for the unseen
This one is for the unseen
The unseen silence of it all,
The unseen twisted knives you threw,
The unseen dreams never claimed
The unseen child abused again
The unseen hate you used to breathe
The unseen man, you need to be
The unseen maker of us all
I'd like to put that to music. With just a piano and duet 1 guy, 1 girl. What do you all think?
This entry was posted
on Friday, July 15, 2005 at 10:38 PM.
You can skip to the end and leave a response.
16/7/05 5:55 PMI think we ALL would like to have more people comment. But I really think that was good. We do keep on sinning over and over again and I think it pains all of us. And probably the things that are "unseen" the most. But only the unseen one can heal us and bring us peace.
17/7/05 1:08 PM
its good to know that you havent put stupid conversations on this blog.... stalker
--Sk8rFreak!!
18/7/05 3:11 PM
First let me say that I think that its very good and I appreciate your willingness to share it. My father isn't in any way abusive, but I can relate to the unseen pain that comes from words, and hurts far worse than any physical blows. I'm assuming that you don't just want comments that say 'oh, this is so good'... so I'm going to give you my full opinion/criticism -- I intend for it to be positive, and I do think its good, thats why I started out by saying that. So, please, don't take this wrong, I just know that in your position I would appreciate honest criticism more than just 'its good'. So here it is:
The lack of a rhyme scheme in favor of a general 'flow' towards the end of the poem is great. It works well, especially with modern art trends. However, it clashes with the beginning of the poem where you have a very strict rhyme scheme. Unless this is intentional I'd think about revising it -- its often awkward to switch from a strict rhyme scheme to none. Also, you sometimes implement rhyming couplets in an othewise unrhymed stanza. This might be more awkward than its worth. Again, unless its for an intentional effect I would think about revising.
The repition of the words 'all', 'unseen', and 'dream' is great. It helps establish the meaning of the poem. However, they're not used evenly throughout. There are some stanzas that have these words repeated several times and others where they don't show up at all. If you are intending to use these to create a theme in the poem I would make them more universal. Also, I would avoid rhyming any word with itself, I think its tacky, personally.
Uneven stanza length is a great tool -- just like changing rhyme schemes. But it needs to be used well or it can be awkward. For example, having a 4 line stanza at the beginning (second stanza), and then a 3 line stanza, and then going back to several 4 line stanzas seems a bit awkward. Changing stanza length, especially in music, often indicates a change in the part of the song (verse to chorus or a bridge). The 3 line stanza works great as a bridge, or between ever 4 line verse, but just thrown in randomly I think it unbalances the piece. The same goes for the end where you have 4 lines, then 5, then 4 and then the ending stanza. Like I said, having different numbers of lines is a great tool, but make sure you're doing it intentionally to signal some sort of change or it affects balance.
Overall I think its a good piece that shows a lot of raw emotion. I think that refining it and adding some balance and a little more intentionality/structure can make a good piece into a great piece. Thats just my opinion of it though, take it for what you will. I'm inspired by your bravery in sharing it here and I hope you can take at least something positive from my criticism, even if its to reject it all and know for sure that you are satisfied with your creation.
18/7/05 3:12 PM
First let me say that I think that its very good and I appreciate your willingness to share it. My father isn't in any way abusive, but I can relate to the unseen pain that comes from words, and hurts far worse than any physical blows. I'm assuming that you don't just want comments that say 'oh, this is so good'... so I'm going to give you my full opinion/criticism -- I intend for it to be positive, and I do think its good, thats why I started out by saying that. So, please, don't take this wrong, I just know that in your position I would appreciate honest criticism more than just 'its good'. So here it is:
The lack of a rhyme scheme in favor of a general 'flow' towards the end of the poem is great. It works well, especially with modern art trends. However, it clashes with the beginning of the poem where you have a very strict rhyme scheme. Unless this is intentional I'd think about revising it -- its often awkward to switch from a strict rhyme scheme to none. Also, you sometimes implement rhyming couplets in an othewise unrhymed stanza. This might be more awkward than its worth. Again, unless its for an intentional effect I would think about revising.
The repition of the words 'all', 'unseen', and 'dream' is great. It helps establish the meaning of the poem. However, they're not used evenly throughout. There are some stanzas that have these words repeated several times and others where they don't show up at all. If you are intending to use these to create a theme in the poem I would make them more universal. Also, I would avoid rhyming any word with itself, I think its tacky, personally.
Uneven stanza length is a great tool -- just like changing rhyme schemes. But it needs to be used well or it can be awkward. For example, having a 4 line stanza at the beginning (second stanza), and then a 3 line stanza, and then going back to several 4 line stanzas seems a bit awkward. Changing stanza length, especially in music, often indicates a change in the part of the song (verse to chorus or a bridge). The 3 line stanza works great as a bridge, or between ever 4 line verse, but just thrown in randomly I think it unbalances the piece. The same goes for the end where you have 4 lines, then 5, then 4 and then the ending stanza. Like I said, having different numbers of lines is a great tool, but make sure you're doing it intentionally to signal some sort of change or it affects balance.
Overall I think its a good piece that shows a lot of raw emotion. I think that refining it and adding some balance and a little more intentionality/structure can make a good piece into a great piece. Thats just my opinion of it though, take it for what you will. I'm inspired by your bravery in sharing it here and I hope you can take at least something positive from my criticism, even if its to reject it all and know for sure that you are satisfied with your creation.
18/7/05 3:13 PM
First let me say that I think that its very good and I appreciate your willingness to share it. My father isn't in any way abusive, but I can relate to the unseen pain that comes from words, and hurts far worse than any physical blows. I'm assuming that you don't just want comments that say 'oh, this is so good'... so I'm going to give you my full opinion/criticism -- I intend for it to be positive, and I do think its good, thats why I started out by saying that. So, please, don't take this wrong, I just know that in your position I would appreciate honest criticism more than just 'its good'. So here it is:
The lack of a rhyme scheme in favor of a general 'flow' towards the end of the poem is great. It works well, especially with modern art trends. However, it clashes with the beginning of the poem where you have a very strict rhyme scheme. Unless this is intentional I'd think about revising it -- its often awkward to switch from a strict rhyme scheme to none. Also, you sometimes implement rhyming couplets in an othewise unrhymed stanza. This might be more awkward than its worth. Again, unless its for an intentional effect I would think about revising.
The repition of the words 'all', 'unseen', and 'dream' is great. It helps establish the meaning of the poem. However, they're not used evenly throughout. There are some stanzas that have these words repeated several times and others where they don't show up at all. If you are intending to use these to create a theme in the poem I would make them more universal. Also, I would avoid rhyming any word with itself, I think its tacky, personally.
Uneven stanza length is a great tool -- just like changing rhyme schemes. But it needs to be used well or it can be awkward. For example, having a 4 line stanza at the beginning (second stanza), and then a 3 line stanza, and then going back to several 4 line stanzas seems a bit awkward. Changing stanza length, especially in music, often indicates a change in the part of the song (verse to chorus or a bridge). The 3 line stanza works great as a bridge, or between ever 4 line verse, but just thrown in randomly I think it unbalances the piece. The same goes for the end where you have 4 lines, then 5, then 4 and then the ending stanza. Like I said, having different numbers of lines is a great tool, but make sure you're doing it intentionally to signal some sort of change or it affects balance.
Overall I think its a good piece that shows a lot of raw emotion. I think that refining it and adding some balance and a little more intentionality/structure can make a good piece into a great piece. Thats just my opinion of it though, take it for what you will. I'm inspired by your bravery in sharing it here and I hope you can take at least something positive from my criticism, even if its to reject it all and know for sure that you are satisfied with your creation.
18/7/05 3:13 PM
First let me say that I think that its very good and I appreciate your willingness to share it. My father isn't in any way abusive, but I can relate to the unseen pain that comes from words, and hurts far worse than any physical blows. I'm assuming that you don't just want comments that say 'oh, this is so good'... so I'm going to give you my full opinion/criticism -- I intend for it to be positive, and I do think its good, thats why I started out by saying that. So, please, don't take this wrong, I just know that in your position I would appreciate honest criticism more than just 'its good'. So here it is:
The lack of a rhyme scheme in favor of a general 'flow' towards the end of the poem is great. It works well, especially with modern art trends. However, it clashes with the beginning of the poem where you have a very strict rhyme scheme. Unless this is intentional I'd think about revising it -- its often awkward to switch from a strict rhyme scheme to none. Also, you sometimes implement rhyming couplets in an othewise unrhymed stanza. This might be more awkward than its worth. Again, unless its for an intentional effect I would think about revising.
18/7/05 3:18 PM
I'm really sorry about all those posts. My popup blocker was blocking the window letting me know that it had posted... so I tried a bunch of times... and apparently it worked every time. I'm really sorry... I feel stupid now...
23/7/05 7:03 PM
Well, i like the whole theme of the song and stuff, what kind of beat and everything are you going to put it to? I agree with Greg, some of the stanzas should be evened out so that it sings a lil more even. try singing it out sorta like you wanna hav it sound, then make some of the words that should rhyme rhyme, and others that would sound better w/o rhyming, dont rhyme. While my dad isn't abusive physically or anything, sometimes he does say things that he has only learned from his father that hurts. I am glad that we all have a perfect Father that is caring for us even when others don't. Not trying to b too critical or anything but next time you write try not to use phrases that have been done too much i.e. screaming silence. That kind of stuff. Lots of good songs come from really original phrases.
Well, just thought i would put some input in. Hope you find some of this helpful. Have a good day.
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